So, it was with heavy hearts that we went back to see the consultant today. Stupidly over the last two days I’ve been hoping that maybe the test results will come back differently and there’ll be a different prognosis, but I think I knew really that that wasn’t going to happen. And it didn’t. The consultant confirmed that I had Early Ovarian Failure. Or Early Menopause. How could this have happened so quickly?? We talked again about our options, and if I wanted to carry a baby, egg donation was it. She explained the differences in trying to go through the donor process in the UK, or abroad. Egg donors are (although it seems this is becoming less true over the last few years) more scarce in the UK, and donors can be identified here, whereas in Europe we were told there is no waiting list for a donor and it is anonymous there. We were told it was also cheaper to have the treatment in Europe, which even over there can total upwards of £10-15k. Our particular consultant had an international programme with a Spanish clinic, so this was something to consider if we did go ahead.

Part of me has always wondered if I might have trouble having a baby. I’d never had any unplanned pregnancies and I knew I had left it later than I’d hoped, but then I hadn’t planned to be divorced at 37, and starting again with a new partner at 39. But I did always picture myself at some point with a lovely big round belly, growing our child. It had been such a joy to watch my twin sister expand through her pregnancy, and I think that confirmed to me that one day I wanted to have that enormous bump too, and feel the kicks of a little person growing inside. Now the only option for that to be possible was to use someone else’s eggs, and I couldn’t get my head around it. I just kept thinking it wouldn’t be my baby. We went home and I cried and cried. I also felt like I’d let Mr M down. Here we were a month away from getting married and now I couldn’t give him children. He said that wasn’t the case and was incredibly supportive, but I still felt like a failure.